I recently texted on two different occasions that either were the right message sent to the wrong person, or the wrong message sent to the right person.
Occasionally, we ask a young woman to help us clean the house. So, in anticipation of her visit that morning while we weren’t home, I texted her the details of how to get in the house and where the supplies were stored and that Joel would be home later in the day. Except that the reason I texted for Joel being home was utterly and completely wrong:
I: Joel should be home in time to pat you.
I: PAY you! Not pat you! Agh.
Darn you, auto-correct! I just made a simple and honest plan sound so perverted and twisted. Good grief. Hope she’ll return!
But, the best unintentional text was this:
My sister recently interviewed for a new position with a different company and in the week or two ahead of the interview, she shopped for a new suit and accessories. I offered virtual advice through texts and emails and review of photos that she sent me from dressing rooms clothed in potential outfits, along with the occasional phone call to emphasize that she needed a new lipstick color. (She really needed a brighter lipstick! I had been teasing her about that even before the job interview. Spoiler alert….she got the job! I know it was the lipstick that did it for her…… and maybe her winning personality and strong credentials didn‘t hurt either.) So, in the midst of my virtual fashionista / bossy big sister strong-arming, I texted her:
I: Put on whole outfit including all accessories and text photo to me…..lipstick too.
Ding. I heard Joel’s iPhone text message alert. I hollered for him to check his texts since he was in the other room and usually his church members text him about assorted church things. Joel walked into our bedroom, picked up his phone from the nightstand, read the text and said casually to me, “Huh?? Well, okaaaayyy.” He laughed a deep rolling belly laugh as he peered at me over his drugstore readers.
Oh no! I didn’t text Cyndi. I texted that to Joel! Wrong, definitely wrong meaning altogether! But, after I posted a blurb on Facebook about the misdirected text asking him to accessorize and wear lipstick, some of our friends noted Joel’s seemingly compliant and non-bothered response . Comments to my post included:
“If Joel does as instructed and takes a pic, you better post it for all to see.”; and
“Whoa! TMI re our pastor! He said okay! LOL“;
And then there were these slightly more knowing comments:
“Seems like I have seen Joel in lipstick too….hmmmmm?”; and
“Haha! I think I remember a Halloween costume?”
Yes, friends. Joel was quizzically lackadaisical in his response because like many men before him who have cross-dressed for a laugh or fame and fortune—-think Robin Williams as “Mrs. Doubtfire“, or Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in “Some Like It Hot“, or Dustin Hoffman as “Tootsie“, or Tom Hanks in “Bosom Buddies“—-I have proof of Joel fully sequined and bejeweled, wearing fire engine red lipstick, a demurely flipped lavender coiffure, and more turquoise eye-shadow than you would find on a peacock. You might want to avert your eyes or look away. What? You say you want to see that? Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you:
Joel dressed up as Dame Edna for Halloween a couple of years ago, to the surprised delight of many. Joel went all in for it too….check out the nail polish on fingers and toes—his idea. Oh, and the open-toes silver shoes? He found those himself in a local slightly used shoe store, size 13 Ladies. They show off his delicate ankles quite nicely, don’t you think? (Oh, and I am the blonde hippie next to him, by the way.)
After we came home that Saturday night, I did my best to remove the coral colored polish. But, it was late and we were tired. That next morning as Joel gave his sermon and gestured in the pulpit, I noticed traces of the polish still lining his cuticles.
Joel good-naturedly agreed to this post and the questionable fame, or perhaps infamy, that will result? However, he is still waiting on the fortune to follow from my blog posts about him, which as of yet, have not panned out in that regard as he hoped.